Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.