I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
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Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.