IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I’ve had worse
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends