I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly