@SlabBaconBP: I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
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@50NerdsofGrey: 'I've been a very bad girl,' she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.' 'Very well,' he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.
@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You can't tell kids they're grounded anymore ME: Why not? W: They weren't our kids M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
@DanMentos: "Hello, 911” Hi it's Mickey my dog is hurt bad “Is it Goofy or Pluto?” I don’t see how- “Goofy or Pluto?” Pluto “Call a vet” *hangs up*