@JizzIam: I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
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@13spencer: Tonight's Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
@graceful_asfuck: Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
@badbanana: "And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
@noog: Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I'm not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That's just ridiculous