*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Cat is stressing him out.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP