*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans