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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.