If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Said the murderer.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.