75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”