A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
this is me
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU