You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
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you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.