@NutellaV: I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@PaperWash: me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot
@EricaLynnz: If you're driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office