I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS