I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
You Might Also Like
Fights fire with marshmallows
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.