@lynnbixenspan: I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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@AnkCoupleTO: [3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@FSUSteve: My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone. You can't just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.