I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
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[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.