I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same