I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Tier 3 meme
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself