It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?