My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You Might Also Like
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I put the p in pants.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.