I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?