I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Great acting.. 😂
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*