I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that