She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.