i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.