I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You Might Also Like
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
i hate you platonically
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood