I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Just this preview of the story is enough
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.