@goodhairperson: I forgot the word "torch" earlier today so I googled "fire on a stick." I have two degrees in English.
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@cogentanalysis: "I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won't want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!" - cats
@audipenny: Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it's like "well I better just go with it" and I begin sprinting at them
@bIessbaby: *gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet
@Sickayduh: "Dude, what's with the outfit?" "Bruh, I got a job as a bouncer" *hops away in kangaroo costume*