@goodhairperson: I forgot the word "torch" earlier today so I googled "fire on a stick." I have two degrees in English.
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@withanewname: "Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other" "Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?"
@mrtruthandsoul: The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars. Mars: I have a boyfriend
@hippieswordfish: [preppin for rap battle] *pops retainer out* dont wanna give him any ammunition *takes off suspenders* that should do it *rollerblades away*
@Just_Lee_: When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.