I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I came this close!!!!
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with