I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital