@JennyJohnsonHi5: I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal's throat.
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@YourPrincess_L: Relationship status I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.
@SanuTweetsU: The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
@SteelFontana: When you have "very happily married" in your bio, we read that as "DM me about my other secret account 'cause my spouse watches this one."
@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
@MandiAtRandom: "Can you cook dinner tonight?" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light
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