I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.