I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@KidBeatnix: If you want to play frisbee Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee And when you get hungry from playing frisbee Eat your frisbee

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@RSF788: The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

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@IamEnidColeslaw: when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

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@junejuly12: I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.

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