@JennyJohnsonHi5: I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal's throat.
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@RobertManchild: [travels back in time] [accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
@XplodingUnicorn: I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then I saw her arguing with him about money. Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@MavenofHonor: [during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
@aimlessamers: Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates. The good ones are already taken.
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