I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name