I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*