Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
accurate
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet