I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
me logging onto twitter
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*