I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.