@notseriouslyamy: I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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@TommyWallace: [First date] okay just dont let her know you're a trump supporter Her: so what kinda wine should I get Me: haha white is always the best
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.
@WilliamAder: Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree.
@SenseiSandwich: *draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma* lol you cant hang loser. passin out w/ shoes on? rookie "Sir please step away from the casket"