I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.