I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”