@Dutch_50: I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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@Vice_Queen: I'm at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I've ever tried.
@senderblock23: [someone reading a beautiful poem in german] ME: i have never been more frightened
@JoroPotential: If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.
@TheAlexNevil: My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.