@Dutch_50: I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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@MakesYouGiggle: Dear people with resolutions, Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
@RexHuppke: The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be "a Muslim extremist." That's like a student signing his report card "Timmy's Dad."
@dafloydsta: [job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Alcohol "Umm ok, how about strengths?" *pouring him a shot* Sharing