I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
You Might Also Like
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*power walks to the refrigerator*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead