I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.