I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?