I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
this makes me so uncomfortable
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.