@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!
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@david8hughes: There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there's also kids with machine guns so I'm not going.
@rolldiggity: 1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"
@Brianhopecomedy: Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.