@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!
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@Abusitron: Waitress: "Enjoy your meal" Patron: "you too" Patron: 'why did I say that?' Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
@pleatedjeans: [1st date] me: do you want kids? her: Yes me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE'S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
@TheAlexNevil: 7: Where are you and Mom going tonight? Me: To meet with your teacher. 7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
@ramblinma: I'm not saying I want a divorce, it's just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.