@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!
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@StarksWeek: Me: "you hang up" Her: "no you hang up" Me: "no you hang up" Her: "no y-" Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."
@NicestHippo: [college ad] High schoolers: You've sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?