@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!
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@SteveOHellNo: People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@AmericanGent69: Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement. It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
@TheDreamGhoul: the guy at the liquor store didn't card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we're just standing here