@krisv_723: I found a Squirtle in my pants & I'm not even playing Pokémon Go!
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@Landon8426: Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
@WordUpBitch: The second I feel pressured to do something, I'm out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it's bath time.
@Book_Krazy: 911 What's your emergency Me: I'm calling to complain about the quality of this cocaine 911: The police are on their way Me: Thanks
@PaulyPeligroso: "Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."