I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician