I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Catercrombie & Fish
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.