I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Wait a second…
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.