I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask