I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Perfect.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I need better friends
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
WHY?!
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
(Electricians.)
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂