“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
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mentally somewhere in italy
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?