Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My purse is deeper than some people.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Air pods looking like an angry frog