I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
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son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}