@joeljeffrey: I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good
@daemonic3: An evil villain is on the loose Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again? [giant kid with magnifying glass emerges] Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
@mrtruthandsoul: The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted