I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family