@fusedude: I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
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@santhonythomas: I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.
@ComedicBust: [Commercial] "Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?" Me: YES "Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life." Me: [heavy sigh]